Divorce and teenage children / few tips for the parent
Divorce itself is difficult and it is an experience that requires many of your mental powers/energies.
In a lot of cases during mediation, one or both partners at some point break down crying, shouting, the same scream, is a pain which is a sign of difficulty of dealing with something unfamiliar as a divorce.
This difficulty becomes more challenging as the children get older and they understand what is going on around.
So what do we have to do as parents in order for the kids to go through the procedure in an easier way ? What's forbidden and what's allowed to say? What's going to hurt?
On one of the “Housewives” shows, which I don't usually watch, one of the mothers shares her feelings with her teenage daughter
About the girl's father.
It's a mistake! In Hollywood, they need to create drama, In the real life it may be no different from the movie, but we're gone
Objects in unnecessary dramas.
Here are some tips how to share your teenager kids with your divorce life
1. Don't Share
We do not share our feelings, anger, or experiences against their mother or father.
When we live with children in adolescence, we think that our baby is grown enough and can be shared in our lives, do not forget that they seem mature but are not yet adults.
An adult has the ability to absorb and understand and digest certain situations that the boy or girl cannot do so.
They are not prepared for it mentally and physically, so by sharing, we create a situation for them that they cannot cope with, even though they will try to help or give advice that is beyond their means and they don’t need to do so.
Needless to say, in fact, the act of sharing as their father or mother, we put them in a state of choice, who is the good parent? Of course, this choice should not withstand the same choices as the boy or girl.
2. Chaos in Divorce
. Divorce creates a state of chaos within the mind inward and of course on the immediate environment.
There are situations that need to be changed for children such as schools house.
It’s better to try to prevent for any changes, maintaining the existing one makes the children feel stable, adolescence itself is not an easy age, and the divorce adds another emotional turbulence in the boy or girl, maintaining stability is expressed in that “we stay where we live in our home because our home is our fortress”, we do not change schools, and so the children's social framework remains the same from before the divorce.
Same classes, same school and of course keeping in touch with the extended family on both sides Grandpa Grandma Cousins Cousins
If you can keep the exist and do not change other external environmental factors.
This does not mean that they will not be angry and will come up with accusations against you and the whole world but creating empathy with them while emphasizing that it is not their responsibility to remedy the situation and it is not their fault in the divorce.
Disagreements about whether to ask and share with the child where you would like to live
Some psychologists say a question like that is
NO - WIN SITUATION
In my opinion, each case will be discussed.
3. What to Say
Before you are saying anything to your child - if you are in a mediation process ( which I hope you are) try to share with the kid after few sessions of mediation in order to have some idea how your life with 2 households are going to look like :
A few examples of what you should say to your children
"We're working on a good communication between us even though we're getting divorced."
"We don't currently have all the details regarding the divorce once they're over we'll let you know you have nothing to worry about."
"We understand that you are angry, and it is not simple but don't worry there is no change in terms of friends, studying, school extended family and we will resolve everything quickly through mediation or advocate"
"We love you very much and we will always be there for you."
A lot of support understanding and creating empathy.
4. Power Games
Power games, highly conspicuous manipulative in the adolescent's behavior
We should not "fall" into these places
For example: the child can come to the parent and say: "If you continue to be angry on me, I will tell my father or mother, I will not say it in one the condition that you buy me. ..... "
The child can easily notice the strong side and the weak side, the use of power play and manipulation in most cases is expressed on the weak side, since it is known to the child that the strong side will not accept these power games.
In order to try to neutralize these situations, we, as parents are required to be in complete agreement regarding laws and discipline and the most important to try to keep a decent communication between the parents towards the children. Such as: hours of sleep, homework, tasks at home, hours back from recreation and more. I, as a mediator point out to the parents that it is of great importance to be on the same page regarding your children.
If parental agreement is difficult to implement (happens quite a bit in divorce proceedings),
That every parent in their home would apply rules and rules so that the child, even though he was already 15 or 16, would understand that as long as he lived at home, he needs to follow his parent’s rules.
The longer you will keep the old rules before your divorce (that the child knows and familiar), the easier it will be for the children in the divorce process.
And finally ask yourself,
1. ? Do I love my children more than I hate my ex-husband?
I guess we know the answer.
2. ? Do my decisions as a parent remain the same decisions about children regardless of divorce?
For example, when I was married, my ex-husband used to take the kids to baseball’s games every now and then.
If I don't agree to this now, I may want to hurt my ex-husband, but really who am I going to hurt?!
3. Which way of communication was I teaching my children through the divorce process?
If the answer is a good communication so the same scar that a lot of parents are afraid of the children to carry with them, it may not be even a scratch.