How to deal with High - Conflict Ex-Spouse

You are divorced or separated, but you still feel that the other side is trying to control every joint decision that comes your way, in most cases these are decisions concerning money or the children, since they remain in the custody of both parents.

At any given moment, the same ex tries to control himself, whether by lying, accusing, manipulating, making threats or any other means, in a way that makes communicating with him/her very difficult.

We need to see things the way they are, not through our glasses, to make our lives peaceful and to improve Co-parenting.

Here are some tips on dealing with a person with more anger tendencies than usual who is no longer part of your personal life but an integral part of your children's lives.

Politeness and calmness

The same people who tend to over-angrily be called by the psychological language

HCP High Conflict Personality

Waiting for the other side to raise its voice.

If you remain calm and peaceful (although it is very difficult in most cases), the other side will feel less threatened and even sometimes think that you are weak, but in fact, you are the one who steers the conversation to a more relaxed and pleasant way.

Give it a chance! If the other side raises his voice and you answer in a calm, quiet, and peaceful voice suddenly, the opposite side will lower the tone of the speech.

I have to say there are cases in which the HCP doesn’t raise his/her voice, but he/she can still debate everything. When it comes to a minor thing, as a mediator, I realized and delivered this message to the other side that there are things under the surface that we need to talk about and address in order to solve this emotional baggage.

Be determined and precise

People with increased anger tendencies than usual tend to strive in every way possible to get their way if by manipulative ways of changing facts or in any way or possible way you don't even expect it. If you have any court order or an agreement, when you communicate with your ex, follow this order and mention it.

For example, according to the court order or our agreement, the children are supposed to be with me on the coming holiday.

In this way, you present the facts and send a polite and concise e-mail emphasizing the facts, according to your own agreement, which you both agreed to orientation in the ruling or any court order.

Read internally and understand the court order or review your agreement before you are signing which you were agreed to, know what your rights are and what your obligations are, even if you are going to a mediation process and especially when faced with increased anger people.

They can create situations that do not exist and therefore knowledge is power, the more you know so that you will understand what is false and what is the truth. What makes censes or what is not!

Filter out unnecessary arguments

It is assuming that there are situations in which the ex-husband/wife calls or forwards a written message via mobile specifically on your weekend and asks to take your children to some birthday party, believes and understands that such a phone call or any written message via mobile can boil away from anger and your initial reaction will be no way!!! Think hard before you answer, your resistance may have triggered a volcano explosion. Don’t advice with all your friends and family what shall I do. You know better than them because you live in the situation.

Think carefully before pressing the "Send Message" or before you call, your children may be happy to go to the same party

And you can avoid unnecessary conflict - I'm sure the positive response won't come easy, but think about whether this "bad energy” is it worth it?

Perhaps not, keep the energies for events and more important events in your life.

Written communication

Written communication via messages or emails can be a positive solution.

When you are facing a person with increased anger tendencies, a phone call can be a kind of "steep slope" since it can lead to a conversation fraught with anger and nerves that begins with the subject in question and rolls into cases that have happened in the past.

Although careful writing is necessary, it will be more focused on the issue that you wish to discuss and resolve. In addition, you can review and edit your message, something you can’t do on the phone. We might say things that shouldn’t be told, and then we would be sorry for that.

For healthy and better communication:)